*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
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Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
We like the way Dwight thinks
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.