(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Can Happiness buy money?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.