A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
wow he looks just like him
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.