*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.