my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I hate when that happens.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]