In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
lmao
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.