I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”