Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
You Might Also Like
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
shampoo implies shampee
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato