Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
based al yankovic
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.