According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.