I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Lucky old June.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
This hospital has everything
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.