I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you