My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?