Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.