I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Every work call, he judges.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado