Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.