Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
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Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
That’s no pocket rocket.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
What is going on? 😅
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.