richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
This is hilarious….
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases