I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?