[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
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Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.