A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
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4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell