($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are