Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
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Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.