If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
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Can Happiness buy money?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
How funny!
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol