People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
i think we should see other cousins
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Pringles
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
this is me
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer