The big book of baby names but for safe words
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house