[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Mad Max: Furry Road
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.