We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*