It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!