my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
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Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
LMAO.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
That took me a moment.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened