Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Best spot.. 😅
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Good Morning.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why