fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
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Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
this post was so formative to me
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.