My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”