I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…