The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
then why did i get this email
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.