I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”