One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
When your man makes a valid point
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I know
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
You have been warned.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie