Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese