Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
You Might Also Like
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*