Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated đ§
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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when Iâm sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
âSon, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.â
Matt Goss
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
How much for the goth pool noodles?
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Jack: howâs it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND IâVE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30âs
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when weâre not having sex?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative đĽ˛
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Things Brits say when theyâre absolutely livid:
âWhat do you think youâre doing?â
âWhatâs going on in here?â
âWith all due respectâ
âI beg your pardonâ
âCan I help you?â
âNow lookâ
âIâll write a letterâ
âIâve had just about enough of thisâ
âIs there anybody else I can speak to?â
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why donât you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death