if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
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My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I have questions??
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.