MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them