In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared