Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Vodka burrito was a success
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that