“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
You Might Also Like
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*