Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
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They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”