me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.