Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
twitter users today:
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Phones down.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.