Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
You Might Also Like
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..