They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.